Phillip Lemmonds

Corey, I’m impressed that you can sit down and write a song in one sitting.  I might get a chorus and a verse at one sitting, but think that’s the most I’ve ever written at one time.

I know you sang a few different words than what was on the lyric sheet, so if I’m wrong here somewhere, just ignore it.

The title doesn’t get me very excited and sounds kind of generic.  However, in the lyrics you say “she’s a real beauty”, which makes it a little more interesting.

In the first 4 lines, you’re in 1st person POV, in the second 4, you shifted to 3rd person.  You’re chorus is in 3rd person.  Personally, I think you should rewrite it all in 1st person… that is you singing to her.

In the first double verse, if your both drinking beer, how do you come up with her lips tasting like apple pie moonshine?  Those lines lost me.

In the chorus, the “dancing in the moonlight” and “swearting in the headlights” (what you sang), clash with one another, as I feel you’re not going to see the moonlight in front of headlights.  Maybe “dancing in the headlights” and “sweating on a hot night”.

Is there a second verse?

Keep writing!

Phillip

Corey Bourque

Thanks for the feedback I’m not sure if I impressed you
But at least you didn’t say I’m not trying to be mean lol
I went back and listened several times and I do see your point in several places. The line is smooth like apple pie moonshine.
I didn’t write it to an intellectual as yourself. Which I’m glad you are because I get the truth from you. It was written on the 5th grade reading level theory

2nd verse hmm that’s a thought but it would put it over the
3 min mark as far as the title changing it is sure a way to
Try and make it better

Thanks for pointing those things out I’m still learning
Great advise
Corey Bourque

Phillip Lemmonds

I never try to be mean or nasty to anyone… it’s just in my nature to say what I think… which has gotten me into trouble a time or two.  Unfortunately, on the internet you can’t hear the inflection of how something is said or see the facial expression of who’s saying it.  In any post I make, I mean it with the best of intentions.

That being said, all songwriters (artist) need to have a thick skin, as you will here “no” many more times than you will ever here “yes”.  Just remember, any criticism of your song is about the song and not about you as a person.

Now, back to our program… don’t worry about running over 3 minutes.  This song needs a second verse!  You could take the last 4 lines in V1 and make that the second verse, or keep the first double verse, and write a second verse with only 4 lines, which is done quite often these days.

I read somewhere that most demo’s should have their intro cut in half, so, you could remove a few bars in the intro to save some time.  You could also tighten up the prechorus with one line following directly behind the other, which would save a few seconds.

Since this is really just a worktape for your song… something to let others hear what you envision… I’d dump the instrumental after the first chorus and go right into the second verse after a short repeat of your intro.

All these changes should keep you around the 3:00 mark.  If your song has good meat and potatoes, going up to 3:30 doesn’t hurt.  I don’t know how long the rough recording for “Humble and Kind” was, but the released version was 4:20… lots of meat! 

Food for thought,

Phillip

Corey Bourque

I see where you are coming from for sure. I was thinking
About that when I did the music and thought let’s see what happens lol great advise one the second verse and
Cutting the intro. One day it would be nice to decide to cut it or not cut it for a demo. And all my stuff is basically a work tape I don’t have the voice or mixing skills to produce the quality a true demo has. Keep this up I’ll have to cut you in

Corey Bourque

Thanks again

Robert Lloyd

Hello Corey… certainly a song that could find home on the country radio. You have all the cliches in the song which is virtually mandated now. I like that you changed from headlights to moonlight on the lyrics.

And the song rocks and has drive even with your demo here. It gets the point across. If you had a source to have this one considered, I would throw the dice and put a little money into a demo. I realize that is expensive for us all and you have to consider all sides on whether you want to do that.

Good job here.

Corey Bourque

THANK YOU Robert Lloyd
i appreciate the feed back im going to take this and do a rewrite and see where it goes