I wrote this song after seeing one of those commercials on TV asking for donations for kids
Any Feedback would help
Corey: Hmmm…. the weakest part of the lyrics to me is the opening line (or maybe the first verse because of the opening line). The rest of the song recovers and flows nicely and I like it from there on. But I believe you had dug yourself into a hole, and with the first line especially.
My thoughts are why would anyone cry merely because a song is about a child? Many songs celebrate childhood or a child’s lovable antics. Of course you actually meant a song dealing with the suffering of a child. It just seems awkward and I wonder if you also as the writer seemed a bit perplexed about that when writing it.
I would look at the opening line…
How about:
*Why do I cry (when hearing of, or with?) the suffering of a child?
*Is it because we still remember deep down inside…
*of a world that can be so ever cruel,
*when I too was young and I could not hide.
I did not do this in the cadence of the song so you might have to add a few words to be in proper rhythm but that might be a better verse, or not.
This is my feedback as one songwriter to another. I like your stuff.
July 13, 2017
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A CHILD
Why do I cry when I hear a song about a child
Maybe its because of the pain some hide
there are times when the world can be so cruel
but theirs nothing like looking in the eyes of a child
So give a child a hug and just think of what your love does
a child only needs to be wanted
it want hurt you at all and it will make you stand real real tall
and thats a whole lot better than being small
there are so many kids who dont have a place to live
and love is far between
so when you get home at night hug your kids real tight
and show them there everything
So give a child a hug and just think of what your love does
a child only needs to be wanted
it want hurt you at all and it will make you stand real real tall
and that's a whole lot better, a whole lot better , than being small
So give a child a hug and just think of what your love does
a child only needs to be wanted
it want hurt you at all and it will make you stand real real tall
and thats a whole lot better than being small
why do I cry when I hear a song about a child
Maybe its because of the pain some hide
1
Hey, Corey- thanks for sharing your song! I like that you’re biting off a big idea- a deeper thought.
I think you’re a step or two too removed. Don’t tell me about what you think about kids. Show me the kids. Show me their desperate circumstances. Then give me the lesson/call to action in the chorus.
If you show me the child, I’ll feel those emotions myself, instead of you telling me YOUR emotions.
I’d also watch how many times you use the word “child” in the verses. It steals the thunder from the chorus.
I hope this has been helpful. Please pay it forward and leave a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
July 12, 2017
1
Corey: Hmmm…. the weakest part of the lyrics to me is the opening line (or maybe the first verse because of the opening line). The rest of the song recovers and flows nicely and I like it from there on. But I believe you had dug yourself into a hole, and with the first line especially.
My thoughts are why would anyone cry merely because a song is about a child? Many songs celebrate childhood or a child’s lovable antics. Of course you actually meant a song dealing with the suffering of a child. It just seems awkward and I wonder if you also as the writer seemed a bit perplexed about that when writing it.
I would look at the opening line…
How about:
*Why do I cry (when hearing of, or with?) the suffering of a child?
*Is it because we still remember deep down inside…
*of a world that can be so ever cruel,
*when I too was young and I could not hide.
I did not do this in the cadence of the song so you might have to add a few words to be in proper rhythm but that might be a better verse, or not.
This is my feedback as one songwriter to another. I like your stuff.
July 13, 2017
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Brent Baxter
Hey, Corey- thanks for sharing your song! I like that you’re biting off a big idea- a deeper thought.
I think you’re a step or two too removed. Don’t tell me about what you think about kids. Show me the kids. Show me their desperate circumstances. Then give me the lesson/call to action in the chorus.
If you show me the child, I’ll feel those emotions myself, instead of you telling me YOUR emotions.
I’d also watch how many times you use the word “child” in the verses. It steals the thunder from the chorus.
I hope this has been helpful. Please pay it forward and leave a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
July 12, 2017