Frank Renfordt

Hi Steve - I like this song, it has a nice feel and I can relate to the lyric. Consider to re-write the first verse with a similar phrasing and rhyme scheme as you used in the second verse. The second verse has a better flow than the first one. If you add the female voice only to the chorus it will have a better effect. Good Luck.

Chad Sellers

Hey Steve, Great sound on this one. The voices of vocalists fit the song nicely. There was a line that didn’t rhyme in verse one that bothered me/seemed to knock the song off kilter for me. I think it was the last line that ended in “lost”.
I also didn’t care for the female and male vocal on verse 2. Might be interesting to hear just her sing verse 2. Or just the male.

Oh, I wrote this and then I read Frank’s message above before I posted. I guess we pretty much had the same thoughts! haha
Good work on this one.
Chad

Haydee Ahrens

Wow, you really tackled a difficult subject that is all too common. I think you nailed it. This is a real problem and many marriages fall apart because people become too fearful or too protective of themselves at a certain point. It would be great if at the end he says he’s going to fight for her, she’s the only one for him, not in those words because they are too trite but in a unique way. This song is so on point, marriage can be difficult but it is worth fighting for.

Richard Kirk

HiSteve,  I echo what’s been said here, I believe the thought and purpose of the song is definitely worth writing and tweaking. Beginning four lines are very strong and set the tone.  I too noticed the rhyme problem in first verse, but I always feel the meaning is more important.  Like Haydee said, I’d like a little more happening at the end, something to tie things up more, something specific he’s going to do to make this love survive. 
RK

Steve Parry

Thanks everyone,

it’s interesting to track the progression of a song.  I agree with all the comments.  Interestingly, the song was written to have the man sing the first verse and the woman sing the second.  A non-spoken conversation between them.  My co-writer didn’t like that idea and I decided to go along with that recommendation, but have always felt it should be the way I originally pictured it.    I agree with the rhyming scheme comments and the word “lost” has always bothered me, so I’m glad other people noticed.    Great comments and it gives me somewhere to go now as I look over the song again.

Lisa Caterbone

Hi Steve. I really like this song. I agree that I think the female backing vocals are perfect in the chorus, but not necessary in the 2nd verse. It takes away from your original emotion that drew me in so much. I really like your voice. This song touches me. Thank you for sharing.